Fighting the H.A.G.

"The Nightmare" by Henry Fuseli 

One of the reasons I was happy to start this blog was to have a space to be personal, open and vulnerable. A good outlet while I don’t have many sounding boards around me physically.

But things have not been great recently so I haven't been posting because I didn't want to complain, or wallow in self pity, or be a downer. Also, there are people who take offense to it, or think I'm being hard on Africa/Tanzania and her culture. (Which is NOT my intention!)

So for those reasons among others, I've remained a bit silent.

But I had this interesting congealment of thought, that of course happened in that magical time when you're lying in bed, late and night and not sleeping. A few weeks ago I was in my usual sleepless state, staring at the curtains. I have one of those brains that likes to break things down to their skeletal state to understand them better (I’m an outline lover!) and I came to the realization that I can break down my bedraggled state of being to 3 main things:

1. Hopelessness
2. Anxiety 
3. Guilt 

Which I gleefully realized spelled out something that makes so much sense! It's "The HAG".

It's of course humbling especially to ADMIT online to all 5 people who read this blog. Especially the part about hopelessness. As a Christian- who if nothing else; has been gifted with incredible, life-changing hope; as a missionary--effectively wanting to introduce that hope to others, I have no business struggling with hopelessness, right?

But it's those big things, those seemingly immovable things that tell you that they're never going away, no matter how much you pray. Those things can get the better of you, even when you have the incredible hope of salvation and relationship with the God of angel armies. 

The evil friend of hopelessness is anxiety. Anxiety as our bills pile up and money is gone. Anxiety for future survival (even next month). Anxiety as the prayers that I've prayed in so many different ways for so long continue to go unanswered. If any of you have ever struggled with anxiety- you know the drill. Insert a million other things our creative minds can come up with to freak us out until they've taken root. 

Then there’s guilt. This one I keep thinking I’m done with. But still manages to rear it’s ugly head. Guilt over not being the wife I feel like I should be, or spending the amount of time with God that I should, guilt over not picking myself up and inserting myself into society, not writing my blog like I should (!), or anything else I could jolly well come up with.

In all it’s self indulgent triumphant evil, the HAG all comes together, each one feeding off of the other and mixing together like spaghetti until you're not sure which is even which anymore. 

And let me tell you, that painting of “The Nightmare” is a great image because it does exactly that. It sits on your chest & paralyzes you. 

This, friends, is spiritual warfare at it's height. How to paralyze and cripple your enemy? Send in the HAG. Honestly I think sometimes it’s a sign that maybe you are, in fact, doing just what you’re supposed to be and the enemy is not so happy about it. 

So one of the other reasons that I haven’t yet finished this and posted it is I haven’t had a way to end this with out an abrupt and depressing mic drop. 

And I know why- I’ve been living in avoidance tendencies- so as not to deal with the deep and endless well of pain and despair, and therefore have been camping out in the shallow end of life. Living in the shallow end is that knowledge that you have ISSUES you need to deal with and SHOULD deal with, but “I don’t wanna”. The shallow end protects you from feelings. The shallow end is like numbing life. I don’t wanna deal with the tough stuff, but in that case am also missing out on delight and joy. 

Today I have been facing it head on. And out of my pool of salty tears I felt the Lord speaking so clearly. The HAG—it is not my burden to carry. Jesus died on the cross to deliver us not only from our sins (the small and the crippling) but also from our hopelessness, anxiety and guilt! He died and rose again to deliver us from the lies we tell ourselves as well as the fiery ones from the evil one. 

So let me just say this—- if you are dealing with the HAG, maybe it’s time to bring that evil monster to die at the foot of the cross. And keep bringing it, and reminding it that it already died, and is not your burden anymore. 

I’ll end with the lyrics of my current favorite worship song- “Here in the Presence” 

“Here I lay my burdens down/ lose my worries in Your love

Casting every care on You/ I have carried them enough

We’re not alone/ here within His Love

Emmanuel/ He is still with us

When the world becomes too much/ near the cross I will remain

Until every fear is stilled/ at the mention of Your name

Mercy is falling, falling/ Lift up your hands receive it now

Here in the presence of the Lord

I know your past is broken/ You can move on it’s over now   

Here in the presence of the Lord

Tired of running, running/ Be still and know He’s in control

Here in the presence of the Lord

Pour out your heart before Him/ Open your arms He’ll hold you now

Here in the presence of the Lord”